How It Saves to be Atheist

Hard times man. The residue of the recession is everywhere. Homes underwater, rising tuition costs and banks raising fees. Don’t be fooled by the long lines wrapped around stores for  Black Friday. Checkout the line at the employment office. When can we catch a break? Although I am not an atheist, this economy may make me one.

No baby on board

Stop procreating worshippers. I know contraception may be blasphemy to some but babies cost a lot. Upholding the doctrine to prevent life may cost you your livelihood. Do you have an extra $300,000 tucked under the mattress? Because according to the Wall Street Journal, that’s how much it cost to raise a child until the age of 17. Bar mitzvahs, christenings and quinceañeras don’t help matters. One loving glance at you kids will be a reminder of not the golden years, but rather of your broke years.

The poor can fend for themselves

Well the reality is we are the poor, not the 1 percent. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the unemployment rate is 7.9 percent. Stop tithing, or at least drastically reduce it. Don’t feel Catholic guilt. Everyone is doing it. Create an emergency fund of up to 6 months worth of living expenses. Plastic or paper? Paper all the way honey. Allah says to give to those in need. So did Jesus. So don’t ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” Instead, ask “What Would a Second Job Do?”

Stop spreading the “Word”

Jewish people don’t really have this problem. Nor Muslims. But Christians… That Honduras mission trip for the youth ministry to build houses, perform some good old proselytizing, and knock back tequilas shots to celebrate — forget it. Too much money, too many headaches, and those supposed heathens don’t want to hear it.

Throw away the wedding bells

Marriage is sacred, sacred in the sense that cost is no object. The average cost to get hitched for a US couple  cost about $27,000 as of last year. Not only it it costly for the bride and the groom, it’s expensive for the whole family. Why do I have to purchase a plane ticket for you to say 2 words and witness your makeout session. Send me a souvenir… And don’t forget, no baby making on your honeymoon.

Skip the weekend pilgrimage 

Mecca will have to wait. Gas is too dam high. Don’t you hate those sunday morning clog fests? Especially here in the south where there are way too many churches in a 1 mile stretch. Don’t go. The potluck lunches aren’t worth it. Do like the Buddhists and meditate through your hunger. God is feeding your soul not your stomach. And maybe this year, skip  JC’s birthday. You don’t even buy him gifts anyway. Because the average shopper spent about $700 on Christmas last year, according to TIME magazine.

Be so not kosher

Seventh Day Adventists, Muslims, and Jews all have the same problem. A diet that requires a trip to Whole Foods.  Kosher and vegan items aren’t cheap. A half gallon of soy milk costs almost double a half gallon of moo hormones.

Obey the hierarchy of needs. Self actualization can wait.

Know the saying give and you shall receive? Give God a break for a bit. Your bank account will thank you.


image by: Anirudh Koul

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