Iris Eben

How Banning Carpets Will Save the World

How Banning Carpets Will Save the World

How Banning Carpets Will Save the World

I hate carpets.

Not just a little.

Carpets attract filth, dirt, bugs, mites, snot, vomit, larvae and every other dreadful minibits stored at the farthest ends of the imagination. I prefer wood. Wood floors are heaven for soles. The cool grain brushing against my feet as the wood gives and creaks reminds me of a boat deck. Takes me away from my current landlocked dungeon state of residency — if only for a moment.

Only takes a $1.99 broom to achieve a clean floor. Contrast this solution with the gazillion choices of stain removers. So tired of the Billy Mays wannabe commercials touting the newest  carpet stain remover wonder like some elusive King Arthur cleaning elixir.

Where carpets exist, the violent hum of a vaccuum is not far behind.

Vacuums are the bane of my existence.

They are loaded with huge bags of grossness. They scare little kids. The annoying noise these loud monsters make as they suck up items with the force of a hyperventilating porn star is eardrum torture.

 

The following game-changers would occur with the abolishment of these darn suckers and their knitted beau:

  • Millions of allergy sufferers irritated by pollen, dander and other aerial abominations kicked up out of floor yarns would finally find relief
  • Less baby shits due to older siblings no longer threatening infants with the “iron dinosaur”
  • Thousands of neglected vacuums would be saved from landfills
  • Precious electricity used by vacuums would go were it is actually needed — charging your Kindle Fire
  • Dyson would finally shut up

 

 

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image by: pawpaw67

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